i kinda spent too much time working on the pictures and audio part now i kinda DONT wanna write anything anymore lol... but im in a good mood!!! that is rare!!! so lets write abt it! as we all know, ive literally been at my absolute lowest [smile and stare] for like the past 4 months which thats crazy saying that since its felt like the past 3 years.. and im not going to say its gotten any better!! im still pretty low, its one of those scenarios where im like "im finally happy!!" and then i think abt it the next day or just like a few hrs after its very embarrassing ToT and im starting to realize i have a tendency to just blame all my problems on one thing but i think thats definitely one thing these past 4 months have shown me is that. that is definitely NOT the case, dont let things pile up guys ^_^ and ik this always happens everything i take a shower, like somehow i feel so happy for like 5 secs, just like how i explained earlier but hey progress is progress and that must mean SOMETHING, if not the littlest thing which still matters. last weekend (nov 17-20) i went on like a cruise with my family, it was ass and really uncomfortable and in all honestly, i hated it but i really thought that being without internet for like 3 days wouldve really like broken me apart yk wouldve had some kinda learning experience like everything happened to be the past months (specifically this one?) but that was NOT the case! ik saying this is stretching it, like ofc amsterdam or that europe trip felt like a learning experience, i was there for like 12 days but still still, i almost died there without internet like i couldnt search up references to draw and that was a lot more frustrating than i thought it wouldve been lol but anywho, we came yesterday pretty early at like 8 something (am) i think and i ended up taking a nap bc i cant do anything else but sleep apparently and after waking up sometime around 2 or 4 (pm) maybe?? time literally flewww by and fast forward to like 12 am or midnight ig, i find myself just really sadd and that is like reoccuring but ig for not feeling that for 3 days, it felt weird. and idk if its just like the mold growing in the walls of my house or smth but i definitely felt sad like that on the cruise (and thats when yk its become a veryy serious problem ToT) its just that, its a lot more intensified (?) at my house, which ig makes sense. too lazy to re-explain this as i already did (instagram spam acc story spammer lore moment) but yea, fast forward again and i catch myself playing persona again idk how it really happened but it did ToT and as embarrasing as it is, i think its really important to just stay connected to the things that actually make u happy. ive said this multiple times and that makes me happy, it means i have sense still left!!! its no one's fault (at least not one person entirely/directly lol) for everything i have felt these past 4 months and if im gonna be more specific, for the entirety of my life ToT like i just stated, its things that have piled up and piled up that i never got to unpack (and still) at least not properly that manipulators have a funny way of making u lash out ur problems on everything but the problem and when u have a disorder (multiple in fact!) that dont get treated, its always about escaping instead of actually handling the problem bc, at least in my case, its the fear of being called crazy and just ridiculed and laughed at (and it hurts more when you're in the right and no one believes u or helps u) as it always manages to go down so again its nobody's fault and as embarrassing as it is to admit, i really spent these past 4 months shifting the blame on someone who probably doesn't even think of me at all, not like i do at least bc all that matters is that they were good company at the time i knew them and that for the person i knew at that one particular time in my life, i hope they continue to grow, learn more abt themselves and end up well in the end, bc thats all i can do anyway. (and sorry if i kinda go off topic/track for a sec i kinda disappeared for an hr while writing this and came back lol) i think one thing abt life that tends to happen so frequently for me is being stuck in the past and constantly replaying certain moments over and over again. and back to what i had brought up, i think thats why its very important to stay true to yourself and what you love bc playing persona again after what would be 9 months apparently!! (and its smth im genuiely going to be honest to you i never expected) ive kinda just learned to "move past" last yr and it almost feels like closure in a way. i dont like to believe in closure bc i dont like believing in things that are unfair and just messed up whenever they wanna be but i cant lie and say its not a very nice feeling. kinda similar to what i felt during covid after my previous schooling experience prior to 2020. im relatively veryy young and when covid hit, i wasnt any older than 12 so when i explain what i mean, hopefully u get the gist (ive kinda hinted at my age on here before anyways) when covid hit, i was in my last year of what i literally and still would and whatever words mean things similar to those phrases, considered torture as for those 7 miserable years of my life never felt like they were going to end but look, they did and now im here and it barely phases me atp. another reason i dont believe in closure is exactly this bc i never really moved on or properly "closed off" that chapter in my life, i never really processed it like i shouldve and it definitely had its negative effects in the future (seeing them now) and even at its present, didnt know it at the time but listening to animal crossing kk slider airchecks at 8 in the morning looking emo-ly at my school issued computer was not exactly "my best time in life" although its definitely better than now but anyway anyway, same thing now. playing persona isnt actually helping me process anything but its helping me move forward, almost helping me forget or just not care (idrk) and that's definitely better than literally blaming it all on someone who doesnt even think of me ToT and again, its the mind's funny way of just wanting to be stuck in the past. i had this realization a while ago but i think its the fear of having to experience it all over again or that i could and even though im not consciously scared of it, subconsciously i definitely am and its something and lots of stuff tbh that unfortunately i have and have to deal with, no matter how tough i may have acted. but thats a little more to discuss than what i would like to do today (i want to play persona already...) back to what i brought up, again, i think thats why its important to stick to what makes u happy and to yourself and even though, that conversation in itself is a little bigger than just that (the sexuality and gender problems my fave :heart eyes:) in the autism of it all, im glad i put aside my embarrasment and picked up persona (as well as aa and the chronicles although im not too sure that one is a good thing /hj tbh) and just the switch and gaming and drawing (coding a bit too) back in general and im trying to focus on those things. lots of stuff i wanted to get into such as fashion bc of last yr were not developed in my best interests and although i still want to learn (sewing more specifically as i mean rn) and i still want to get into fashion, i hope to get into these things in a clearer state of mind. as i said earlier, i cannot say that im at a higher point than before, bc i still hold some of the principles i did in that 4 month (16 to be more specific) dark night (lol) im still scared of what would happen if i start to interact with those around me, im still closing myself off from too much im afraid but thats not necessarily a bad thing, its not like im missing quite much anyways, im happy where i am and ive been able to progress where i am, by myself, and i want to continue to do so. im tired of society im going to be a social regret and lameo loser and eat my poptarts and play persona hashtag chronically at home moment
