Angel Wing Heart
ENJOY WHILE U CAN!!! REVAMP SOON!!!

yame

welcome to my diary-blog! a cute place to jot my thoughts without all the unnecessary work.. hopefully u enjoy reading this and before u go, the entries will be personal and a bit sad, thats why i included the diary part anyway. again tysm 4 reading and hopefully u enjoy ur stay ♡

Where to?

plantinum — maaya sakamoto

Blog Posts!

contains most recent (top) to the oldest (bottom) in this page! to see one specifically, it would be a good idea to check the calendar!
just as another warning in case u missed it, pls be warned this blog serves almost as a diary for me so i might get
personal and even a bit sad at times! ty for reading :3

♡ Last entry on this hideous layout ♡ 05/27/23 — Feeling: mentally gross ♡

i meant to blog a lot earlier but i added a music player to my media review main/opener page and then had to find out how to edit it, which was successful for the most part but it did take a while but then i wanted to change the play button which was not successful and also took forever but i finally got to blog!!! today i stayed home from school bc my mom was like "its raining bad" which i dont really think was the reason but idk and idc i stayed asleep the whole day even tho i kinda wanted to go to school today bc! i wanted to take geometry over the summer #smartiepants but srsly i wanted to take it over the summer or try but it was in person and i dont wanna do that! and today i wouldve found out but guess not lol anywho after all the time i spent waking up and then going back to sleep, i finally woke up and stayed awake at like 1 or 2 pm idk i dont remember and drew for a bit but i genuiely feel so gross like not actually but mentally i feel so gross so then i went to work on the websites and stuff bc i have to like actually sit up and think a bit so ig i dont feel as gross and lazy. ok serious talk abt my mental health ig?! i literally feel like 2 diff people or like 384208208091 in one brain and its so fking annoying!!!!! i have one part of my brain thinking abt the same 2.. weird things on loop and then another part of my brain that is just straight up weird which tends to overpower the others a lot and then the sane part of my brain thats like wtf.. and then i have that weird awkward side of my head that kinda joins with the 1st one i mentioned and its a whole mess i prob have a lot more in there just waiting to come out when its perfect timing and like ugh. having to battle those parts EVERYDAY is so exhausting bc theres like certain stuff i just CANT get out my head and i HATE IT!! like why why why and thats pretty much what happened today. ik thats a lot more serious but i sometimes wished people really listened when i said what i felt and didnt downplay it so quickly or tell me "thats what it feels like when ur a kid" like JUST LISTEN PLS. then say smth!!! bc those things can be signs too yk!! its all really frustating bc it gets worse and worse and keeps coming back and like erm what am i supposed to do ToT but whatever atp!!! anyways last entry before i change the layout bc i hate it sm. ok ima go bc idk what to write anymore and i keep getting distracted by other stuff

♡ Lets not talk abt January me ♡ 05/19/23 — Feeling: good (o^▽^o) ♡

looking for tiny sakura pictures in my pinboard and seeing her nervous or something in the same outfit but just different poses is really like. wow. she was really nervous that episode. BUT thats not important. i havent blogged in almost a MONTH!!! SOMEHOW!!! i cannot believe its been that long since i blogged, maybe worked on the website but blogged?!! its not really that big of deal but that means i have to update my calendar section which also means a new layout for the blog soon or no new blog posts until GOD KNOWS WHEN bc i really hate this page but LOST at what to do its so annoying... but im working on a new page for my website which i didnt even think abt before but im working on a series review blog thing which i think is pretty self explanatory.. ive always wanted to do that but always was like "who would read that anyways" but now i make these stupid little websites and i imagine no one probably reads this but hey look im still doing it!!! hence the series review blog was born and i got some GOOD ideas so ive been working on that so we dont repeat another diary blog situation... it might replace my shrine tab on my main pg or just in general but IDK we'll see. surprisingly enough tho (which i mean very sarcastically), thats not what i came to talk abt!!! who's ready for the big surprise (also a joke) i came to talk abt my mental and sexuality problems!!! woohoo whos excited!!! (someone shouts not me enthusiascally from the crowd #nickelodeonfunny) i think the reason i stopped blogging was bc this past month was a month, lemme tell u. it wasnt as bad as my other months, which i can say with much certainty now and i dont mean it in a bad way!.. for the most part! i mean it in a neutral way ig? like it wasnt the best, defintely nor was it the worst, which again defintely not it was just a month where i learned a lot, maybe too much and damn was that a roller coaster of emotions which i should techinally be used to by now but actually knowing whats going on and no i dont have a diagnosis yet unfortunately but im aware that the mood swings and personality changes i feel are NOT in fact normal hurray!! but seriously, feeling/going through this at a much older age and more consicously and self-aware really has put in a place its so weird to think that i had been going through this my whole life yet i JUST became aware and it explains a lot.. i hate how i always feel like a "teen" writing this bc anyone who is sane ig would read this and be like "thats just teens!!!" but first of all, if u think that, get help?? LMAO and also bc its not a teen thing didnt know being a teen started so young but seriously, living like this has really altered my view on stuff, for a long time. not to say that everything that ive gone through hasnt been a "teen" thing, obvi those things play into it but ofc its not the full thing. considering all this, i should just get into what i mean actually bc this probably doesnt make much sense without it also bc why not AND ive been reflecting on these past months a lot so LETS just get into it. ok ok so basically, circa jan 2023 the beginning of the yr and im all like "i think i have a crush on some girl" so i meet this one.. kid (thinking abt that send shivers down my spine like seriously) and dont really ask me why but i start to think, not that i think im the shit necessarially but i start to believe im like the best but not really? if u get u get it (one eye open tounge out emoji) and start being mean and everything then its april now and i start realizing how ridiculous i am and how weird i am bc yk, didnt really have the "support" or anyone in that matter to back me up ig and i get like really sad and depressed and at this point i was not yame anymore. i dont think ive been yame ever or for a long time i associate my names with a certain look but thats not important rn, back to topic, i was just very sad and gloomy for what felt like a few weeks, mind u this all lowkey started bc of one person (i hate to throw the blame bc it will make sense later i think) i started to realize i wasnt really the person i thought i was, like when i found out i was aroace and all of this u could pretty much see in my latest blogs, up to this date, i started to realize the way i felt abt this certain person wasnt the "normal" feeling like friend or crush but a lot more linked to other stuff and u might be reading this being like, ur weird and overdramtizing everything and u could be right but unfortunately i believe that is not the case, im not trying to self diagonsis as something specifically hence when im not using like any specific words or anything, this is just what i feel LOL yea i do overdramtize stuff but ive grown to learn i think that has a lot more to do what stuff then what i was told to believe.. like when ur constantly dumbed down or whatever, yeaaaa i dont think that everything i thought when i was younger was reasonable and ofc kids being kids but its gotten to a point where, again its altered the way i think and see my life and the people around me. that one kid i mentioned meant like hella lot to me and it was very serious which is extremely embarrassing to admit btw and i started to base lots of thoughts of mine and stuff around this and not consicously bc ew no but it just happened!! and u see thats smth that i had never gone through before. i had been going through this my whole life yet there was some things ig i needed to wait for and see (dont repeat that if u are younger or better mentally than me reading this) and when i did sorta similar, i thought it was a crush ToT which reminds me abt how i wanted to bring that whole convo back again bc what else can i do!!! ok but seriously, its also been another struggle of mine as well like i think im starting to realize i had some sorta interalized aphobia going on and didnt realize it and telling me "hey im aroace pls dont call me gay lol" and then just trying to be funny or whatever they think is funny is the worst like yea women are hot but im not gonna call myself smth that i dont really care for. like yes i do believe that but calling myself lesbian, to me, feels like stupid and pointless bc i really dont care for a relationship at all like really thinking abt that is honestly gross and i think im good without having (THE S WORDD) but seriously, i just dont like when people call me gay bc ik they dont take my aroace label seriously and that pisses me that fuck off bc im NEVER taken seriously which has lead me to start me off at my new school next yr not talking and being mute (woohoo!!) but again seriously, ik avoiding people and almost letting my illnesses win in a way isnt healthy either but i dont believe throwing myself into a situation that is dangerous TO ME and not all dangerous means horrible and down right disgusting things, what i consider dangerous like the first level is just my brain going WACK and like thats a no. at the end of the day, i wont be missing out and yk what i think thats what ive learned. not that exactly bc ive always known that but i think what ive learned is to really not give a shit abt what people say yk what i mean? obviously its always gonna get to me like hearing all the mean stuff people say to me but i learned the hard way that that need to want to know everyone and be like a "good/normal" person deemed by society is just letting people walk all over u. no i dont wanna talk to u, no i didnt find that funny, no i dont care for loveless friendships, no this, no that and honestly ive had enough. mind u, this is all coming from a kid who always had a good sense of that, but u see kids, again seriously now, letting society tell u "URE WEIRD!!!!" or ur mean or whatnot is NOT OK and seriously cannot believe quarantine me thought that!!! but honestly cant say anything bc it really has gotten better, ive gotten better!!! and thats smth im very proud of myself for, letting myself do whatever has really let me feel i can finally move on with my life and i mean that in a lot of ways like i can buy what i want, dress how i want, watch/enjoy what i want, just do what i want!! as i said before, theres obviously gonna be moments where thats hard to come to like that stupid asshole from my office aid class and just the energy there, its horrible to be with annoying ass people for 4 HRS but actually staying true to u becomes easy at one point and thats defintely one of those easier said than done things bc everything takes work!!! i used to be one of those people who when going to my elementary, that 5 minute car drive, id just stare out the window thinking abt all the scenarios and stuff that could happen with my classmates when they finally said they all hated me and as i was right and yk whats actually the funniest thing abt that? is that it never happened and it never will and its not bad to look out the window sometimes and think abt the little things but i dont think a lot of people understand what overthinking and intrusive thoughts, especially intrusive thoughts, really are and letting urself get there is not ok. now i enjoy the little things like those scenes in bluey where they said smth that was actually very beautiful and i didnt realize! like yea thats the stuff! its not bad and makes me feel happy bc im thinking abt smth i love and theres nothing wrong with that! the shame i would feel in those things a couple months ago was defintely unhealthy and as much as i hate quarantine, without it, i probably wouldve been super off rn but im happy with my current self and tbh i cant wait to keep going! i got my needs and problems i got to respect, yea im not getting help necessarily but being happy helps and thats cool!! #supercorny ending but im lowkey kinda glad i wrote this bc gotta have faith for my math eoc on tuesday erm... anywho i finally got this super cool dress i wanted, its mailing time is 1-2 weeks and CANNOT WAIT until it comes bc like, hime era and also MIZUKI COSPLAY ERA bc it looks SO MUCH like mizu's dress and u see!!! little stuff like that, MEAN THE WORLD also GOT ONEW'S ALBUM I WANTED TO CRY didnt get th poster i wanted.. BUT THATS OK!!!! ITS WONDERFUL best purchase ever made omg i love shinee so much did u know????????? but ima go bc its been hrs of this sitting here also i think neocities wants me to go giving me a hide tag LMAO cant wait to rant abt tears of the kingdom in the new blog /VERY NEG \^_^/

♡ What a silly day ♡ 04/21/23 — Feeling: silly ^_^ ♡

not much to blog abt today(watch this be long as hell) but ima code a bit bc my ipad is currently charging and i dont really feel like sitting in my room i think i listened to taylor a bit too much... (yes im a swiftie unfortuantely) or drawing ive been doing it the whole day which im so happy abt!!! ive been on a roll w my art and shit like i mentioned last post im so happy i cant wait to share them yayy to squishy art woohoo :3 anyway i think ima try to do smth w the blog today, write some abt mes and then get back into my flow while my ipad finally finishes charging bc why not woohoo!!! also also i have this obsession w one of my school friends lord save me he's my fking silly istg im going crazy i cant live without him but yk what idgas (hes thinks im a fking weirdo) i love platonic friendships finding out im aroace i feel so free to just do whatever and say whatever like none of it matters!!!! yayy!!! ^_^ also also before i go, i made him do the silly akechi pose like that one gay ass stance and made the keyboard say i love shuake hopefully no one searches that up!! YAYYY!!! ^_^

♡ Haha weed day or whatever ♡ 04/20/23 — Feeling: ugh ♡

[FOR THE RECORD, im like 3 uhhh im drug free JUST IN CASE] ugh. this again. i havent blogged in a while well ive been wanting to but it just hadnt felt the right moment yk? but it does now wohoo (i take my blogging very srsly hehe) tbh im quite sure no one reads these which gives me a good sense of comfort but life might be in my favor for once and like make me blow up and get me money so u never know still gonna be personal tho bc idags!!! ^_^ ive been.. up and DOWN w my sexuality, w my mental health, w EVERYTHING!! it just hasnt been good but i cant really say it ever has in that sense(not in the emo wayLOL) ive been a hater again and as much as i hate it, yes, all emo not like before tho like how BAD it was before im better now, especially now which is why i came to blog here XD so many things i think. i usually dont like to do things that way(even if i always do it like that anyway) but lets talk good first!!! ok so first of all, im trying to pick up fashion and shit again but like fr this time bc this is like a monthly occurrence for me omfg but but!! im gonna try my best to get into gyaru, hime gyaru specificially bc.. why not!!! im an agender little princess appartently but i dont wanna talk all good YET bc then ill never do it lololol TUT" and art's been going really well lately too!! ive been working on these pieces that i will share here eventually that im really loving!! its for my ccsaki au!! tbh i really like the direction my art has been going in i think all i needed was to just let my art be squishy and cute and not so.. serious yk? which brings me onto my next point!!! like the thing i was going to talk abt today lolol. bro. im always having a problem irl-ally like istg i hate school its like the bane of my existence. ive hated everyone ive ever met there and i still to this day and its an experience i would live without in a heartbeat (sorry for the personality switch up lolol) but yk... if i never had those experiences i wouldve never learned right? im not someone to think that bad experiences shape u as a person, because they dont like u dont need a bad experience to live and when i say bad experience i dont mean "just life" i mean like yrs of minor bullying, mostly making fun bc u have disorders and stuff u cant control T_T which i think is smth i mentioned in one of my old abts me bc ive rewritten that like 3 million times atp BUT back to topic, i dont hate EVERYONE ive talked too and there has been lots of experiences where i felt really happy talking to someone!! but i hate that and its never a good feeling. this is not just abt friends, but everything in general (guess what im bringing up impossible edition) like how recently i found out im aroace, i think im starting to realize its ok to love platonically woohoo and that makes it sound like bad but ill explain myself just bare w me pls T_T i also recently "figured out" i was "bisexual" or what i thought to be bisexual bc i think i just have this obsession(yk what society teaches u or whatever) with the need of love in the romantic seuxal orientation way i dont think ive ever really validated my platonic feelings bc i never felt them and specificially i never felt that w a guy and the one time i did and was like "ahh this is cool :)" that went down the drain but we are working on it guys dont worry heheh *sobs* and again for the record bc i cant stop saying that, i dont mean need for romance in the "I NEED A GF/BF WAY!!!" but "in the society tells me this is what i need way so ig its cool" way which i talked abt last blog post but just to clarify again, ANYWHO back to topic, im just really close w my friends, yea, ill make the birth jokes ill make the romance jokes and yk maybe those arent really jokes but they are jokes TO ME and tbh thats all that really matters i would never really want to do any of.. those things bc when i REALLY thing abt it i literally repulse TOT ive come to realize that the problem was never with the labels but just me, does that make sense? like the problem was never with the labels never feeling right but that none of them ever felt right to me(that sounded a lot better in my head) BUT the girls who get it get it ig and like i think i only felt that way bc when i saw the label agender i felt so like "oh this is right" yk? but when i think abt it, when i randomly said to my sister back in like 2018 "oh yeah i think i go by they/them"(we were having a convo abt that for context) i wasnt really sure i just said it bc idk and look where we are now!! so like it didnt need to feel right bc for that, nothing ever would! and my weird obsession over my friends is something that im 99% sure stems from my problems and shit but i love them and thats ok!! ik lots of people wont be ok w that display and tbh thats fine i hate the whole "u need friends/romantic partner" bc ermm. no i dont?? i love being by myself call me different and messed up all u want but ive never had a problem w it, if it wasnt for society and its messed up shit, i wouldnt be here rn. and i say this knowing damn well anything and everything gets to me and ill be back to square 1 by like 3:50 tmr but whatever at least ik where to find myself and hey thats all that really matters. im queer aroace and im AWESOME!!! i love women and men but in the theoretical way yk? in my unique little autism way (im sick in the head) before i go to sleep which i really dont want to but before i go off, (change of topic btw) i watched the new g witch episodes i didnt know TWO were already OUT?? time flies so fking fast wtf!! but YESS i watched them and found this new found love for elan or whatever his name is, hes not a creep to me!! i love silly little gay guys!! in the most normal un-yaoi way ever omfg.. hes my silly aroace fiend :3 like omg not g witch but the love for royal trio and shuake is INSANE shuake are my FAVEE t4t gays like the only "woman" akira is EVER going to kiss is my silly transfem pookie bear princess akechi bc i dont make the rules ANYWHO ANYWHO i hope everyone in my school.. yk the drill goodbye friends!! ^_^

♡ Happy late bday Sakura ^^" ♡ 04/08/23 — Feeling: tbh idk but in a good way ♡

I TOTALLY FORGOT SAKURA'S BDAY OMG... i mean i didnt forget it but i didnt blog on that day which i planned for each chara but whatever ima just blog when i feel like it bc like nobody cares :P (maybe if i made this blog nicer it would be a bigger deal but ahhhh no too lazy) aaaanyways what im going to talk abt today was something i was gonna blog abt yesterday like upon finding out like actually finding out but i talked it out with sister and was like no i dont need to talk abt it anymore but theres nothing better than oversharing on the internet as a form of therapy so here we are[thumbs up] i was gonna say dont follow what i said on that but then i realized we are on neocities so ig that doesnt really apply aanwyaayss im gonna talk abt my sexuality and stuff today so heads up ig not as a trigger warning bc i dont want anyone getting confused!!! but just to note thats probably all ill be talking abt today bc nothing else interesting has really happened that feels blog worthy but idk who knows!! we'll see anyways to get into it i pretty much found out im aroace and ur probably thinking wow thats crazy in a sarcastic manner but i pretty much dont identify as lesbian anymore which is a pretty big thing for me. annually or how it feels atp lol, i have to like doubt my sexuality and i usually just like brush it off bc it always felt like typical comphet behavior so yk whatever right? but now i stumbled across a different, almost new problem, which i wont be getting into specifics for.. personal reasons and now i felt smth like strange, basically/in short, contradictory or whatever to my previous label(lesbian) and now its like ERMM what the flip!!!!! i have this thing(omg ts ref /j) where my brain makes me think i like someone but the whole time im telling myself i hate it and want to die and im in extreme embarrasment and anguish bc yes its that bad and not in the cute romantic fictional girl crush way but thing is, it would always happen w girls well the one time it happened w a guy.. we dont talk abt that but now its happening again and like omfg. the feelings are the exact same as last time and its weird bc techinally it shouldnt be if i like girls right?(does that make sense?basically the same way i struggle with feeling ew abt a guy shouldnt be the same way i feel abt a girl) and before we move on, to clarify more on the parenthesis, both of these people ive felt this way abt were people i never had a problem with, they were my friends which.... lots to unpack there that TODAY(or ever) i wouldnt do yayyy!!! #waytoopersonalthanthisalreadyiscore back to topic anyway, ive struggled with "comphet"(quoteonquote bc ik thats a lesbian thing mostly) in the past and things around that area but its got me thinking have i ever even liked anyone? romantically or sexually? i do find women to be more.. sexually attractive(pls dont laugh omg) than men definitely but its never been something i have ever thought abt when looking at a real person(and with characters its very much in jokes btw i think some of us forget that) and really thinking abt it, the one girl i liked it(the one ive mentioned here before) wasnt really romantically and definitely not sexually and i was aware of that i always knew i mostly wanted to be closer with her platonically. since ive never been repulsed(think thats the word) by sexual attraction(being orchidsexual) or by romantic attraction bc i think its cute its been definitely harder to tell these things especially with being asexual, not that i have any trauma associated with it in that way but i still wont get too into it; on the surface level ive been affected by people who claim "asexuals are stupid and not real" and ig it affects me more bc im not "fully" asexual or whstever people say unlike how i am with aromantic. i have never felt romantic attraction once in my life and when i have, its my society talking, that feeling of where "ig i dont mind if thats what the other person wants" which isnt ok at all bc thats like fking disgusting omg!! but i was always able to tell the difference and knew i never wanted it myself which is good (disregarding my demiaro label at some point lolol) bc who doesnt talk abt romantic attraction? what movie doesnt romantize/glorify it and mention it every 5 seconds? it was easy to tell and ofc theres been moments where ive felt inhumane almost for not feeling it but that goes into smth else i wanna bring up as well. now figuring this out, ive been telling myself im still lesbian which i probably am but heres the thing. i think ive only ever used that label and only have ever seen it as a relationship thing does that make sense? ive never actually cared abt dating anyone before and tbh ive always felt very out of place in my label. i mean im defintely gay thats for sure but i feel like i cannot call myself lesbian anymore bc i think ive realized i just really dont like anyone i mean ofc i love platonically and familyily?? but never romantic or sexual and thats ok!!! but ive been having so many like doubts and stuff bc i keep telling myself i have to like someone or something bc when i was younger i never felt those things were real or "as important as being liking the same sex" yk typical child who just figured out they were part of the community and just went with what everyone said(which is wrong ofc) so trying to unlearn that behavior, in the process, i keep/tend to invalidate myself and my identity and it sucks bc when i would identify as lesbian that was never the problem i had, ik i "liked" women but i just always thought i liked men too or men needed to be included and i see and hear(figuratively ofc) my subconscious now telling me that me identifying as aroace is just trying to stray "futher away" from being lesbian bc again, ive never really thought it existed and also bc i constantly had to push that mindset when i would include men in the picture(when i still identified as lesbian) now that its hard to unlearn is funny bc i never learned it in the first place but ig the brain has a way of being funny doesnt it? so now its like shit bc what do i tell myself now? but when i think abt how i dont have to carry the pressure of forcing myself to like something, not men not women not anyone, i can just like what i like(not in the people way) and be whatever i want i feel so at peace with myself and maybe i am a lesbian maybe im bi!!! who fking knows but idgas!!! i dont care abt that anymore i dont care abt being unlabeled anymore and im tired of constantly having that burden of which people and what labels bc its not fair to the history of that label to just treat it as a relationship thing yk? not really as my experience but almost as a sense of "now i feel a bit valid in some way" which is techinally what labels are for but i wasnt seeing it that way but more as an excuse for my lack of what i was suppposed to feel. using the label as a point system, like jaiden had said in her video(which u should totally watch btw esp if ur contemplating this label urself/srs) i only identified as lesbian bc i had 1 point for liking women sexually so "ig it made sense" which isnt ok yk? again it takes away the history bc labels are there to not just call urself something and move on but an experience u share as a whole, u live life differently and if we apply that logic i once had(which was all very subconscious btw i wasnt aware i felt that at all until finding this out lol) being aroace wouldnt be "necessary" bc its doesnt really "change anything" but i feel smth different i feel as if i need to i feel as if its really me it felt important it feels important and i never felt like that with any of my other sexuality-based labels before(bc ive definitely felt that with my gender ones lol). and before u say anything, yes ik u can be lesbian and aroace im actually quite aware of that as most people ik are [other sexuality] and aroace but i just dont really like anyone at all i mean im still gay i still think women are hot #lgbtmoment LOL pero en serio, i just feel the need for those labels anymore i feel so much happier without them, tbh all they have ever brought me was more confusion except being bi which probably means smth but u see, something IDGAS to unpack rn woohoo!!!! basically long story short labels shouldnt be a burden and being unlabeled and not knowing and slowly figuring out is ok!!! well IGTG SBFWHFU3 tysm 4 reading!!! IF UR AROACE AND READING THIS U R SO AWESOME AND IF UR NOT U ARE ALSO AWESOME!!! SRY I COULDNT END THIS PROPERLY OK BYEEEEE

♡ Happy bday Meiling!!! :3 ♡ 03/25/23 — Feeling: whatever but on the better side ♡

HAPPY BDAY TO ONE OF MY FAVE COMPHET LESBIANS EVER WOOHOO funny thing how i intended to write today without realizing it was the 25th heheh :3 i was trying to draw smth for sakura's bday since i try to every year(try to in heavy letters or whatever) but it wasnt working out so uhm. time to rant!!! being this whole week on my phone and then the computer and my ipad very little even the ps4 but also very little made me realize i have like 0 connections with anyone except a few people and that has definitely put me in a place. tbh i dont really care for friends but it does make u sad sometimes wheen u sit and realize that u could probably be really good friends with someone if u werent so scared of conversation, being like in my head all the time and all the other overwriting issues, its so hard to make conversation w others and i think this is only hitting me bc i have school in like 2 days(yuck) i just wish that wasnt a part of life i really wish i didnt have to communicate with others i prefer someone only asking me for homework answers or the other way around then a sad kinda friendship i prefer when we are both aware that we need each other for one thing or for any amt of convenience(?) and ofc this doesnt go for everyone i have like 1 or 2 friends aside from my sisters that i enjoy my time with and even see their username of hearing them in conversations make me smile but its annoying yk? i wish everyone understood my struggle bc i feel very left out bc of it and obviously, its something ive learned to live with and accept no? but it makes me sad i have to leave myself out of stuff bc ik ill be uncomfortable there and i dont want that and ik its not only my fault but its upsetting to have to accept that all. the time. hehe kinda fitting to talk abt this here since like meiling and stuff but anyway i got all the movies/shows i wanted on the usb for now even my neocities im praying it works(since its for the school computers then being blocked in stuff) but i dont wanna know beforehand i rather sit there and find out but ehh whatever it is what it is gonna fill in my abt me hopefully i can write smth i dont hate and see u guys soon :3 happy bday to meiling again and pls watch cardcaptor sakura(and the witch from mercury) for my sake XD

♡ Happy bday Eriol :3 ♡ 03/23/23 — Feeling: whatever ♡

dont really have anything to share today but im editing and its eriol's bday so i decided to just blog!! :3 im working on stuff here and i really wanna update this page bc i dont really like it but ughh so much work... im waiting for my usb to arrive hopefullyy it works bc ill cry if it doesnt T_T the last one didnt and i really dont want my mom saying anything to me for returning it and that it works for school too bc sera lo ultimo ToT im close to finishing g witch (pls watch it :3) and that makes me sad bc what am i supposed to do after that i mean i have a bunch to do but all im in the mood for is to sit down and watch shit like ermmmmmmm well whatever it is what it is ima go and try to draw or smth ill probably just sit and watch g witch until the usb arrives tho LOL

♡ ITS BEEN 2 DAYS SINCE MY LAST POST?? ♡ 03/22/23 — Feeling: sad and very unsilly :( ♡

i cannot believe its been 2 days since the last blog AND its already wednesday erm... anyways uhm today has been a not so silly day ive been so bored and before i totally forget uhm i dont think anyone will but if u do read my last blog... apologies 😅 slowing feeling better like ill get over it as always ^_^ anywho!!! im so boreddd i was waiting for a usb i ordered so i can use it to watch stuff in school *ocughs cough* IT DIDNT FKING WORKKKK im so upset so i found another and i have 2 return the other one w these clips i ordered but im feeling quite silly today (AM NOT) and im like ermmm dont wanna mess up so i keep holding back BUT SCHOOL IS SO SOON like for the break 2 end and i NEED to download shit to that usb i have so much!!! but my silliness isnt letting me urgh... im also kinda :( bc all i can get myself to do is watch stuff but i wanna draw and code/work on the sites but my skill and head is like mhmmmmmm no!!!☺️ and like urgh.. today has not been silly but ima try to force myself to code bc its a little easier than forcing myself to draw like when ur hand wont move it wont move!!!(thats a joke its moving lol..) ima try working on my art archive and my abt me and probably this blog asp but not sure hopefully i get smth done tho!!! i just wanna see my sillies and eat poptarts but its not productive enough like during my break?? no way also bc testing season after this tbh cant wait to fail them but ima go hopefully i get smth done :3

♡ Its happening or however u spell that ♡ 03/20/23 — Feeling: HORRIBLE!! ♡

TW: im actually going to talk abt seriousish kinda stuff here like my mental health and i will slightly mention creepy shit on twitter   today has just been SO bad overall aside that its monday even if it is spring break but anywho omg i told myself not to do this but u gotta do what u gotta do yk? so today starts off by me waking up ider but ik it wasnt by myself like i heard smth or some kinda light or smth and not in the forcing way but in the "oh today's gonna kick ur ass" kinda way IDK how to explain it in a way where it makes sense to other people but afterwards i didnt even WHAT 2 do so i have/just sat there for HRS doing idk what (taylor line) listening to the same shit on repeat and then this is where it really just -kicked off- i found out abt the new prsk leaks like mafu's mom's 2d model and the new cards AND FKING HELL i was flashed like IDEK HOW MANY TIMES and then ENCOUNTERED 6 PROSHIT ACCS ABT ALL THIS ABT THE PRSK CHARACTERS LIKE WTF..? its just been... so much and like. guess that triggered smth? YEA NO FKING DOUBT. and not in the personal ofc!! but in the "OMFG IM A CHILD WTF" way so like uhm. yea. after that ive just felt like fking horrible and miserable and then i have just been overthinking a lot abt the most insignficant(?) shit like ever i saw one my online friends made a playlist abt (NOT making this worse bc its really embarrassing to say) and IDK WHY I KEEP THINKINH ABT IT AND IMAGINING SM REALLY HORRIBLE STUFF??? AND THEN SO MANY OTHER THINGS AND I CANT STOP THINKING!!!! i hate to act like this on here bc thats so fking embarrassing but i feel so disgusting and ew rn. idk what it is but feeling this way sucks man ive had to deal w this for so many years and even worse now that ik whats me and whats not which is funny saying that and like fkig hell i feel so weird rn like my emotions are all over the place and worse part is idk what it is im feeling since my parents are such.. people and like UGH i hate this!!! i think after i eat i might just sleep but i cannot!! ik doing that isnt ideal or the best but it kinda sucks when u live in a place where everyone makes u feel ur emotions are invalid as much as they say they dont ugh. this just sucks and just in general this is what i hate abt breaks i prefer stressing over school or smth then feeling smth that doesnt have a due date or when itll end no one ever talks this and its really starting to make me feel like i have a lot more problems then i thought 😄😁😆 ughhhhh i keep saying it but i hate this. more than ANYTHING and having to act normal? worst fking part of all and i hate when people say its my age bc ik its not first of all also i dont think i was a teen in 3rd grade LOL.. i gotta go but as much as i hate saying i want this break to be over, cant wait!!! school at least takes my mind off some things which is better than nothing!! and i dont even wanna SEE persona rn bc my hyperfixations over make me wanna kaymhmess even more esp when they kinda gotta do w the problem.. maybe ill lore drop abt myself another time if it isnt already obviously whats happening i would appreciate ur insight even if ur reading this 853859480 years from now ☺️ bye people gotta eat!!! sry if u are reading this and its reallly cringey lol.... its not an age thing i promise (i would oerheuhwue u if u say that/neg)

♡ Finally spring break ♡ 03/17/23 — Feeling: ehh but on the happier side ♡

FINALLY FINALLY FIANLLY spring break my parents picked me up early WHICH IM SO GLAD i woke up super late today in hopes she would just not take me to school at all but it is what it is as long as im out and dont have to see my demon spawn of a french teacher the world is good 🙏 but back to spring break starting, uhm. awkward conversation but uhm abt my crush... ive had a crush on this one girl (ewwww gay) since like last yr but i never did anything abt it bc i was too caught up w my sexuality and identity as a whole, yk how things are but anywho, i dont have any classes w her as i did last yr but im not as stupid as last yr so ive tried my best to do smth abt it but as we all have prob figured, my conversational skills are fking terrifying!!! (idk if i spelled any of that right) and i was like trying to become closer to her like i was last yr kinda before the yr would end since, not stating my age or anything but basically i wont see her after this yr 😅 but again, i cant start any conversations or anything w people who im not comfortable like that with so its been really awkward and all that stuff im not going to go into detail bc thats just too much of a story that tbh and to just go straight to the point, im pretty much over and not in the "i dont like care abt her anymore!!!" way bc yes i still like her and all that but what i wanted mostly was to just be friends w her yk? as the aromantic individual i am 🧐 and just common fking decency, i really enjoyed being friends w her bc she was cool and she was one of the first people i ever had a really nice conversation w in school and ik that makes me sound like an incel but ive had conversations w people (mindblown!!) and they all end in fights or weird tension for some reason but anyways this is really embarrassing to share but uhm. next topic. so ive been really fixated on persona 5 😄 OK ik i just said im not an incel but just hear me out for a sec!! i promise!!! so one of my friends or online friends (im making this so much worse for myself) really liked the game hey i really liked it too!! it seemed cool!!! and w that the autism virus spread and now im fking infected!!!! i cannot stop doodling my sillies everywhere bro and its become such a problem like omfg i have this thing of calling akechi my babygirl which i think is a commonly shared struggle and i keep bringing my switch like EVERYWHERE and the royal trio and FKING AKIRA AND SUMI LIKE NOT A SHIP BC EW BUT THEIR CHARACTERS AND LIKE RFRYUBUWBHU its so bad but i love them sm and i havent liked smth w a very serious plot and stuff in a very long time (i say this but it was only a few months ago) and when i say very serious i mean like its target audience isnt 4 yr olds ha ha ha... anyways its been like horrible but im getting drawing ideas again!!! which makes me so happy bc i love drawing and havent been able to do it in so long!!! since i dont have an art archive yet i cant share the trad sketches but i love drawing and all that stuff its sm fun and such a reliever!!! but anywho i think ima go either play persona, draw, work on the website IDK but its spring break and i cannot wait to fuel all the interests in the few days i have left before testing hits oh god do i not want to take the algebra eoc 😢

♡ Not my week tbh ♡ 03/07/23 — Feeling: ugh ♡

ugh tbh idk why i wrote that as the title this week has just been whatever ugh for the most part but that's not really a new thing its probably just an age thing but im like so tireddd of everything when it comes to school i barely try like i just dont even look up anymore/pay attention all i do is listen to music (#emo blowing bang emoji) talking abt music!!! onew from shinee released his album and i listened to it during 7th period today like 3 times ( ̄ω ̄;) bc my hell spawn of a french teacher wasnt here today and hopefully STAYS that way bc she hasnt been here for a while but anyways ITS SO GOOD PLS LISTEN 🙏 i recommend 28 reasons by seulgi (RV) and circle by onew (the one i mentioned) they are so awesome and amazing like fking masterpieces RIGHT THERE god bless them both but anyways ima be focusing on my art and hobbies in general ik its not the best time but as long as i dont fail the algebra eoc i should be fine ^_^ i also ordered some school outfit accessories (?) bc i wanna start getting into fashion and i tried a while back, found out croquette and all that wasnt my thing (at least i dont think so) so we are going to try scene woo!!! im going little by little tho bc the only place i really go out to is school and i dont wanna spend too much money but anyways ima end it here i didnt even talk abt what i really wanted to LOL but ig all i can talk abt is my interests dhfrbfhfj (⌒_⌒;) anywho see u later this keyboard is pissing me off time to continue persona like the loser i am...💔

♡ Second entry on here :0 ♡ 03/02/23 — Feeling: a bit happy :3 ♡

here's to my first like official??? entry here after my welcoming one i have been WAITING to make this diary-blog thing since forever bc i defintely need somewhere to just dump all my worries and things of that sort esp in times like these T_T and i dont mean like ohh what a bad time!! well that too but for rn, i mean like in general, lets just say my age pretty much anywaysss today was so boring my favorite person to talk to in school did NOT show up today and i only have him for one period on my even days so i was so upset but i brought my switch and pretty much played persona 5 the whole day it was quite fun i imagine people looked and laughed tbh i would too so cant really blame them but im already known as that one irrevelent loser/weirdo so tbh nothing phases me atp learned that in my last school and am currently relearning it tbh i cant wait for this school yr to end i hate this school im currently in even though im terrified i will fail my math eoc this yr but as long as i leave this school and get at least a three tbh idc im kinda running out of things to say but uhm i really do not wanna go to school tmr i hate my odd days but that would mean another odd week and really rather not even if i have math and science on the same day but whatever even days better

♡ Welcome to my blog!! ♡ 02/26/23 — Feeling: OK ♡

welcome to my blog! :D this is still a huge wip bc lots of javascript is/was required for this site but we are working through it ig T_T ive kinda just decided to take things slow and not just rush to have some grand opening or whatever.. anyways that being said, ima probably keep working on these sites until soon late but i lost my motivation to work on the blog :P ima go edit my abt me pages and maybe my art archive... EH idk hope whoever is reading this enjoys looking at the site for now (its pretty boring ik but its not really meant to be fun lol)

Calendar