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plantinum — maaya sakamoto

TODAY

YAME'S BLOG

https://squeezeoats.neocities.org/blog

Today I feel...

welcome to my diary-blog! recreation of the very cute minihompy, a place to jot down all my thoughts! as warning before you read, i might get sad and/or personal in some, or most entries so pls keep that in mind! tysm for reading and stopping by ^_^

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Please read! Before you begin reading, I would like to warn u again that I sometimes if not mostly discuss personal/sad topics as this blog is basically my public online diary! If you think that could make you uncomfortable, dont be afraid to go back using the black tab on the top left corner of the screen!

✿ September 15th, 2023 / Getting adjusted ✿

Hi. gueeesss who's back ^^ if i had to be honest i would just erase my older blog post like the one before this one and ik it hasnt been that much time but yk hashtag keeping the memories its like even modifiying them but anyways ik it hasnt been that much time but damn, these weeks have felt like august never ended and i hate it ToT its been pretty bad, im gonna be honest even if this past week i was able to get some things done but yea ik that mentally, ive been all over the place. it feels like im like 2 bad days away from losing it again everyday and yes, ik thats a bad feeling and we all hate it but i genuiely hate it and feel like i want to shead some light on it. on my own blog. anyway life's always been a roller coaster in that sense, ive always had too many bad days to count then those really good days and ive always been/felt very mentally unstable every since anything i could remember but i think being alone, truly, can teach you some things and unfortunately make u go through many others. i always felt like im overexaggerating the situation because i just feel it's extremely embarrassing bc ik if i ever told anyone what was really going on in all its detail, i would just sound like some lovestruck teen but as always, i promise it's a lot more serious that it sounds. and i think thats what i want to achieve. which is also the very effects of loneiness it seems, or definitely is not sure. ive always heard artists especially musical artists talk about "trying their whole lives to put it into words" abt love and just their emotions in general and i believe im quite the same. ive learned to love songwriting a lot as of late, especially late and i understand my love for art even more now, i realized it today actually. during biology, i thought about how thats all ive ever wanted to achieve with art, storywriting too. The dream that one day i could make exactly what i picture, all the emotions and eventually fabricate a whole mini universe of an experience so many experience and can relate to, no matter who, as realistically and accurate as possible. and one of these days ive thought abt trying to write exactly what i felt. i thought abt how it wouldve been nice if i wouldve written actual blog posts periodically throughout the year abt everything i felt because what else am i supposed to do? if i cannot treat my life as something to see under a microscope, what else can i think abt? being alone hasnt been easy and ik ive always been alone but life has never given someone i cared for on a whole different level of everything and taken them away from me as such has happened yk? life has definitely given me challenges, i remember i once lost my bestest friend in the whole wide world and it was definitely challenging on from that moment but they reached out and reconnected with me 6 months later! and we are still friends to this day but idk, something something abt how this time its different. you see, its not that this person means more to me than anyone else or anything but ig when youve never had anyone (and mind you i knew this person in real life unlike my other online friend) especially in an environment like school who helps you literally regulate your emotions, its hard to kinda move on(?) its hard to not miss that, even if in reality it was quite one of worst experiences you have ever went through yet. but you see, the loneiness does something, now i think about how learning about myself was a benefit

✿ August 22nd, 2023 / A lot going on at the moment ✿

TW: mention of sucidial thoughts I wish i could say "the title is just for the reference!!" (or kinda) but damn its been rough ToT i did NOT blog on my birthday like i thought i would and tbh i didnt really wanna blog today either, just finished doing my hw and my back hurts and im sleepy but i told myself i needed to as ive been thinking on it these past few days. Recently started at the senior center and lemme tell u, i think more than EVER did i realize age regression is a problem??? ive been thinking i was 9 ever since the pandemic started (do the math urself) and i just developed a lot of other disorders that tbh i probably already did have, basically it got a lot worse for me but i was able to manage. dont think thats the case anymore..! i HATE to be those people, saying i miss the junior senior center but i really do and its so funny bc i didnt even have friends or a NICE time there AT ALL i just feel really out of place and i think i only wanted to go to here bc it meant i would FINALLY be close to college and moving out, again, didnt think the whole thing through and bc its gotten so bad for me now (which i didnt even realize until last yr) i see i cant do this alone and this is where the "fun" stuff come along (or my favorite stuff lol) i really miss the people i met there, specifically one very important special person ive mentioned here before. i just wish i could go back and tbh not even i just wanna skip time, already be in my third yr FREAKING OUT abt scholarships and college bc as sad as it is, there will be nothing ill be enjoying these next 2 yrs. i could get used to it but ill never like it and that ik. why? well back to the age regression thing, i feel EXTREMELY out of place. walking in the halls or talking to classmates only a yr or 2 older than me, even those who are in my same grade makes me feel like a baby and ik thats kinda normal (depends on the group of people) but it feels different. it feels like if i actually am 9, just like two yrs ago when i would speak to those a yr older. if u tell me that im now in my first yr of the senior center, i just dont wanna hear it. its painful and feels wrong to hear somehow. but its funny bc at the same time, i feel so much older. i want to be in my 3 yr bc i feel like im supposed to be there, i feel as if im just wasting time doing nothing and i could feel everything but my actual age. watching shows like bluey literally have me sitting there and realizing i didnt get to live childhood, at least a good one and my mind is so set on the bigger goals since so young like my future career and college plans its honestly kinda sad but i cant do anything about it and i just want it to be over so bad. sucidial thoughts have been really serious these past days where i cant stop thinking abt, yk stuff and again, i just really hate it all. i miss the people or person i met and i miss being b=able to genuiely do nothing and i just cannot wait to finally be busy like i already dont wanna be here yk ToT and ik whats gonna happen to me, everyone's life is just gonna move on and be better but im gonna be stuck in the last yr of (the junior senior center) its embarrassing honestly. i just hate watching what's already been taking from u be taken even further. this obsession adults, specificially parents and schools, have of making their kids grown ups until ig they realize they can use u but when u disagree and disapprove finally at 18, ur somehow the problem? and ik this most sound all very repeated and stuff, im very tired but today's kinda a special day for me and last yr's me. i cant wait until march 6 so i can just remember all those moments, when it started ToT yea i went through it HORRIBLY last yr but missing it feels right, and i cannot wait to go to my second yr. ik its sad, but i never will experience my childhood, what i deserved, not until im out of this house/area anyway and growing up and being busy seems freeing to me, ik its funny if theres any adults reading this u would probably think im crazy but since 3rd grade, ive DREAMED of having a job. some of us dont choose what we get, not a bit and u cant blame us for wanting to be older right? just hate how again kids are viewed tho but least thing i care abt is having sex and kids and all that weird stuff for crying out loud i think of stupid fictional characters to even GET BY but i just wanna be able to finally live a better life yk? i just hope that after all those yrs i will spend this next few yrs, its not the worst and i get that fucking scholarship bc if i dont, im definitely k/ll/ng myself thats it (ill probably blog here some other day but again had to blog on thise special day, we can break down why i didnt even wanna/care to blog on my bday some other day)

✿ August 10th, 2023 / Not much going on ✿

hello. if u check the calendar or happen to just know, ur probably like "why didnt u just wait until ur birthday" or at least i am and tbh i didnt even realize my birthday was in like THREE DAYS.. which like ew bc then i age and then school starts y todo esa jodedera (im cuban btw jic u think that means something else) and like UGH im more real abt my age here then anywhere (bc ik no one reads this lol) and i start new at a new school and like i just reallllyyyyy dont want to, not bc of anything but after 10 yrs of torture and even if those first 7 where ABSOLUTE HELL i think adding 3 more yrs to that...lets say i just never want to interact with the public ever again and by public i mean people my age who u hve to see. every. day. for all the neurodivergent kids reading this (to the only people reading this), yk what i mean, at least i think lol..... anywho! yea basically idek why i decided to blog, its 5 am 7 days away from the day i start hell (which i think is quite known by now but never hurts to overrepeat urself!) but something told me i had to, it has been for a few days now actually. ive been pretty low these past days or months i should say but not my lowest, like i was during those last months of school for ex. (like march-may, u could also add dec-feb too) but in short, i havent been the best and tbh i feel like theres just so much in my mind that ranting on here is the best. why? bc well, ranting on my stories is just embarrassing, i have 10 people or so who could possibly or do idk read that and dont care and ik no one reads this but also its cute and disguised on a cute random little web page on the internet. ik i shouldnt be writing whatever on here bc i do share this with my socials but its only accesible on the computer even with the request desktop feature AND bc this feels so much like the internet, subconciously(?) and conciouslly i try my best to not overshare TOO MUCH (although that might be debatable for some, or most) aside all that and back to what i was gonna say (to lazy to read where i left off), this summer has just been so bleugh. yes, i went to europe and saw spain (which is lowkey such a dream for me) and as ungrateful as i feel rn, i honestly hated it. i felt it was money spent (bc it was even on my part) and if i wouldve known, i definitely wouldve stayed behind. i hated being in a room ALONE with my mom, i hated waking up super early and going out and walking the SHIT out of my feet and having to pretend i was fine. yea it sucked but hey i really liked the breakfest and i miss it A LOT. but yesss, this summer has been boring. the beginning i was literally going through a depressive episode sleeping away my days and now all i did was play apollo justice and again, sleep away my days due to jet lag, what fun! (also i apologize for the way im writing, its the ace attorney omg) i finally did something or finished something ive been wanting to for like almost 2 whole yrs now. i wont lie i was quite upset..! i DID NOT like klavier that annoying ass faggot little bitch, anyways i didnt like the cases all that much but i LOVED the part with phoenix more than anything in the absolute world and the first case was so awesome AND THE ending of the last case after the phoenix part it like completely changed my mind abt what all happened so ig im not THAT upset... no but seriously i care way too much for phoenix theres just something so heavily wrong with me omg but i think that kinda sums up whats been going on.. lol but seriously its not been the greatest and my hypetfixations make it bearable but they dont make it better especially when i have time to mysrlf and tbh i have WAY too much time to myself in the summer. i will NEVER want to go back to school but i just reallt dont like being at home just lazying away on my bed gathering SWEAT (its super fking hot in my house nothing works here i hate it) not being able to do anything bc i cant DRAW or do anything else and the drawing part is pretty much the whole reason and OH HOW CAN I FORGET i have like NO MONEY WHATSOEVER and its upsetting it really is ik that could contribute to wasting away ur childhood and whatever whatever but its already been wasted enough i dont want anymore of it! i dont wanna be an adult but i just wanna have a job already and get the fk out of here and if becoming a lowlife cringey adult is the way, well. ok im sorry i overshared ToT but no one evem reads this so whatever atp. anywho i dont really have much else to say! i think that all quite summed it up. one thing i will say abt school tho is that im excited to try new things, in a way and ill explain. cant wait to see how much ill improve seeing how quick school goes by those 9 months should show some veryy nicee improvement ive been trying to improve i stopped posting like completely on main even my stories (healing!) to takw the time to really improve and practice everything. i wanna draw all the sillies with no limatioms(?) whatsoever!!!! and ngl ive been seeing it! at least i think, im more comfortable drawing fat people now and ive trying to just focus on all body types and different poses and just anatomy all around. im also working on my eye style like im taking it all a lot more serious now which is what i shouldve done since the beginning. im just soo tired of feeling like i cant draw anything nice or anything at all bc its missing something or looks weird or too "serious" iykyk ig.. i just cant draw anything at the moment that i like but older art like lets say maybe from 6 or so months ago??? is starting to look off or weird, that means something and thats pretty much how long school is!! so with me putting that extra effort to improve and get better, ill definitely improve A BUNCH by maybe even the end of the yr like starting 2024 which i hope (crossing fingers!!) also omething crazy might happened around this time next yr NOT GONNA JINX IT but i just hope i get better at everything, art, dressing, a few other new stuff i wanna learn, even updating and feeling like i can update this website. idk but as low as i feel, i definitely feel like im healing or getting better in some way. ik its not good to jinx it and as tired as i am of that mindset where i feel like i cant even congratulate myself!!! i rather not jinx it but i do feel like things are getting better, will never say good but better! thats not entirely great so i still win sdjhdab anywhooo i want to really change the layout now. i know i kept saying that but im bored of the layout a little bit, we will see bc i just feel like the main page is so me it hurts but i think its time for change, only a little change but then again, idk tooooo much abt that one i do wanna work on my spacehey and i was plaaning to work on the blog but this definitely tired me out omg ToT ill try drawing tomorrow and see erm anywya!! goodnight i wrote so much wtf... at least i ranted abt something kinda relevant and NOT MY SEXUALITY OMG lord. will probably maybe not idk write smth on my bday ok bye invisible friends

✿ July 13th, 2023 / 12 days in Europe ✿

heey its been a while. i wouldnt give this blog that name (12 days in europe) tbh bc i dont really plan talking abt that like tooo too much but as a poor person, that was a pretty big deal for me and my family so!!!! i spent 12 days in europe omg!!!! specifically amsterdam, which was not as great as excepted... the plan rides tbh were the most fun like getting there was what i enjoyed the most from the trip ToT although, coming back, i wish i didnt take it for granted. i learned quite a few things abt myself there, stuff i already know and what else is my favorite thing if not using the blog to rant abt my sexuality problems!!!! hashtag cuteee am i right XD!!!!! but before we get into the juicy bits, i think spending 12 days there taught me a lot like A LOT abt the hashtag importance of privacy and although my "privacy" is just the bottom bunk when my sister is on her trips while my other sister is just sitting on top, there is sm beauty even in the poverty of it all [red heart] i didnt realize how much i missed acting out every song i listened to until we came back from the plane ride (going back home) and i redownloaded my hacked spotify and got to, yk one of those songs and i was like omg i can blast this now!!! god is real!!! i think just that alone is what really ruined the trip for me. you see, im already not an outgo-sy kinda person and i get socially exhausted just overall exhaustion (like me writing this rn lol) very quickly!!! it also didnt help, AT ALL i had to share a room with my mom, i dont really like talking abt that, this is still public after all but in short, lets just say we dont get along very well so that was just a whole ass mess. even though we barely spoke i still felt i couldnt draw or even check my phone without her just. staring. im also in the hashtag closet and thats not something that will nor do i want it to change anything soon. it really was just a mess and not a very organized (?) one either. we didnt have anything really planned and then my mom getting scared and pissed at everything and omg, yea it was just a MESS we did go to barcelona tho, funny saying that as a latino but i enjoyed that one the most out of every other boring thing we did. it felt homey, unlike amsterdam and it didnt feel like smth ive seen before either well it did but i think thats why i liked it sm. we were only there a day but the daugther of one of my mom's old friends showed us around like really showed us around and yea all i did was talk abt embarrassing ass sht (autism moment) but i really enjoyed the place, my feet were also KILLING me but at least it was nice!! also people spoke spanish there, not a lot surprisingly but it just in general felt more like home or just smth im familiar/used to. i didnt like amsterdam bc it felt exactly like nyc and not in good way, that was a comment my sister (flight attendant) didnt really like too much but oh well. one thing i do have to say tho is that the water is SO GOODDD in europe. i have never tasted water as good as chaudfontaine and i probably sound like really fking dumb to any europeans reading this bc i saw that water everywhere but if it makes u feel better, i come from a poor family where all we drink is nasty acid tasting water. i would literally give my first born child to that water company (the european one) there is nothing like it. the way its better than anything ive ever drinken? drunk? idk but its so good its an actual CRIME its not in the us, at least cheap or accesible. that was defintely the best thing of the trip also bc they gave it to us in a really nice bottle in that scam ass hotel so it was like super awesome, felt like those wineaholic people if thats even how u spelled that. just me sitting there staring out the window pooring my chaudfontaine glass bottle water into a little plastic cup #vibes all in all, it was pretty boring and i wish i had a room to myself then again i did learn a lot abt myself which is kinda crazy really is giving the new place new mindset kinda vibes of like i rarely leave my bed core so #relatable but no seriously, it was a little insane. first of all, realized how messed up in the head i am, istg all i thought abt was ace attorney like every minute of the day it was there like damnn take a break also realized on top of that, i need to get my sht together and actually focus on art and fashion and sht i need like NEED to share my aa headcanons and stuff its so serious i care for all of the characters ESPECIALLY phoenix omg loml moment not to be a little autistic victorian child asking for bread but god pls just give me the skill [praying hands] maybe he will listen!!!!!! (attempt at being funny gone wrong) but never mind those foolishy foolish things (sorry), bc im kinda getting very sleepy now i also figured out im demiboy? maybe? idk its been such a back and forth with that, telling myself to not think on it so much has definitely helped, to a certain extent. i feel like everytime i question those things abt myself i just find out a lot worse too and its just makes things worse like how am i supposed to battle through this now has been such a constant problem but its like that with everything. ive definitely changed sm more as a person and not in a good way since quarantine. this trip and school being in a few months has never made the rush to just escape from [insert deadname] so pressuring. i cant keep on being that person, i know it wont change anything but i like to think itll open new doors and i can finally love me for who i am, or just try. I was planning to go a lot more in depth abt this but im tired, got a splinter in my mouth that just DOES NOT wanna leave so i think its best for me to call it a night. its like 9 pm rn but jet lag is so serious, i feel like its 1 am which it is in amsterdam ToT definitely not the person i was expecting to open this page up to after that month break(didnt forget abt that!) but im working on it, actually, which is defintely progress and theres only one way to go from here!! but yea ima go im EXHAUSTED ToT byebye

✿ June 10th, 2023 / So many things i want to do ✿

OMG i hate slash love the summer bc "omg i have 3 months!!" but i ALWAYS find some kinda problem to envolve myself with instead of JUST BEING NORMAL!!! ok so first of all, ive never finished school where i had that feeling of "im never gonna see [said person] again!!!" and IM GOING INSANE BC.. well.. erm.. lets say i have a little crush ITS NOT EVEN A CRUSH IM JUTS SAD!! too personal maybe but its like that feeling of like "i like u but mostly bc i like u platonically but i also love u with all my heart romantically???" IDK i miss him sm someone help... this is so embarrassing... I HAD A DREAM ABT HIM TOO i havent had a dream abt him since like a few months ago (april) where i was like in denial and in heavy delusion like UGH but whatever RIGHT i wanna start buying clothes and getting into fashion BUT WHERE DO I START like i wanna try styling wigs BUT WHERE DO I START i have this one article BUT EVERYTHING HOLDS ME BACK I MISS MY PRE TEEN IMPULSIVITY!!! when i was younger i would buy WHATEVER AND IDGAS!!! AND I STILL DO no offense, love u onew love u circle mwah mwah but I WAS SO WILLING to spend LIKE 4O SMTH DOLLARS on his album but NOT THE CLOTHES I WEAR ON MY BODY?? fk embarrasment and haters bro THIS IS SAD!! like im impulsive the minute I CANT DO SMTH or its just not the best time like ugh..... i ALSO wanna change the layout and text of my pgs LIKE LEMME REPHRASE i wanna make them look more old by changing graphics a bit and text to give them an old web look BUT IM TOO LAZY IM TOO LAZY FOR EVERYTHING i might SLIGHT MIGHT even be going to amsterdam/europe for a few days MAYBE A MONTH omg everything is a mess all i know is that i need to get my ass UP before august 17 and mar 29 i better walk into that nasty cmx theater A WHOLE ASS PRINCESS!!! i hate my life and my brain specifically in the most "i need to do smth with it way" imagine i die with this NASTY ASS HAIRCUT ok thats all i had to say (im going through it rn sorry its lowkey kinda loud) also now i have a thing of saying love u guys as of 3 smth am ok love u guys

✿ June 7th, 2023 / Massive headache and finishing school ✿

finally using this placeholder and got the date next to the today!! the date in red!! im very happy abt that wish i wouldve known how easy that really was BUT WHATEVER!! i got it so we are good!! tbh considering what ima rant abt today, im surprised i didnt blog earlier. for starters, i officially finished school today but i, personally, finished school on monday. it was the last day i went my mom kept being a big bully and saying she was gonna take me to school like uhm ok? ik ur not but it was kinda funny tbh (it was not) anywho i watched across the spiderverse which i will be addressing as atsv from now on and BTW warning for atsv spoilers as i will be spoiling ..from now on. THE MOVIE GAVE ME SUCH A MASSIVE HEADACHE BRO. i was SO PISSED OFF with the fking CLIFFHANGER!! like WTF!!! i was already hasta aqui with miguel and his little discord friends AND FKING SPOT BRO. pissed the HELL out of me like no one gives a fuck u got like 50 million holes! like wow good for u, soo many dicks but seriously he pissed the hell out of me and i hated him sm. but miles eating as usually, i watched itsv on monday and miles is genuiely one of the best mcs ive ever seen maybe i should review this movie on the review page hmm... I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK LIKE the movie doesnt even feel finished!! but whatever whatever ill save that for later maybe!! idk!!! but uhm yea. thats what i did yesterday then i woke at like 11 am today and i tried drawing it was NOT arting as it shouldve miguel's lowkey my muse now #drawingbiggermenera XP so then i started to code thing is i still have a bit of a headache and i think some stuff are starting to like actually hit me like the fact ill never see that school again (the one i used to go to) im never gonna state my age but i think its quite obivious what im talking abt and its not that im really upset tbh bc i hate that school and everyone i met with my whole being, it was just not a good time tbh but somethings do mean like the whole world to me. i think i mentioned him on my old blog a few times but theres this one person i met last yr like for a little and then this yr, we had like a class together and we become friends ig which feels weird to say and ik he thought i was a whole ass weirdo but he really meant a lot to me bc also i think during that time i developed some kinda weird feeling for him erm.. hashtag awkward but yea its not really that i wanna see him again at all tbh bc he really witnessed some of my worst and like ugh, worst time of my life but still! he meant a lot to me during that time and still kinda does but again, i think i have some sorta crush on him and like ahh im never see him ever again! or anyone else i met in that school! even the people who ruined and made my life severly worse!! thats crazy but i think this is the time i have to grow from that person or those people i was the past 3 yrs and back. although it doesnt feel that way atm, but i just really hope im able to get my life together the next 4 yrs and get that scholarship and get the hell out of the place i live in, i hate it here sm omg. but whatever whatever uhm thats like all i kinda had to say? as embarrassing as it is, i got like completely sidetracked by uhm... smth... i need to rewatch atsv again erm

✿ June 3rd, 2023 / First entry on here ✿

ok so first entry on the new blog and you already know what ima do. after a long days of work and its FINALLY friday so i got to just sit here and code, sm has happended yet it hasnt its quite unbelieveable (soo gringo core) no but srsly, its been ugh but not w/ the blog!!! i mean ofc theres still im a bit unhappy with but first of all, im not even done and also the fact i recreated the minihompy page layout all by myself is in itself an achievement enough so im not too bad, coding is just so much easiee than drawing like yea i get frustated but this is so mindless its like whatever yk? gotta get back into my flow like art flow bc its FINALLY summer, IM FREE!! well not really... i still have to go monday and MAYBE tuesday but my mom aint that cruel so i think ill only have to go on Monday, last odd day of the yr ig?? and BRO ik this is gonna sound so dramatic but there's this one kid i HATE sm who told me this mean thing, ig it really tr/gg!r!d me and now i cant get myself to speak to him and i have him first class on monday, ima die, thx god its finally over tho OMG and OMG i think im bi?? real ones know this but yes i still think it was MOSTLY a mentally ill thing but i think i also kinda had SMTH ELSE going on but not really but yes? in an aroace way!!! hopefully that makes sense also happy pride month, this has been such a journey BUT im not gonna rant abt that... yet new blog new me (LIARRR) ^_^

Calendar STAY UP TO DATE!

Use the calendar to click on/search for a specific date! Also bc i think its cool but thats not important! This used to look very different on my original blog layout so this might be a little wonky (just like the rest of the site) and will undergoing a lot of changes.. probably!

June 2023

6

watched atsv

7
officially finished school

15

berlioz's bday

29
my sister goes to amsterdam

July 2023

5
my mom turns 50

13
syaoran's bday & back to miami

August 2023

6
joulouse's bday

13

... my.. bday

17
i go to hell (school)

22
an old, special friend's bday

September 2023

9
dad's birthday

Articles HEAR IT ALL!

Extra page I added so the tabs section wouldnt look so empty. Here I write random stuff abt random things and let it rot here instead of updating it like the actual blog! Hope it's a bit enjoyable.

Working this out...

text and words / ignore this pls